First blog post

Like every other 6,999,999 human being out there,, starting out on something new is always a bargain, will it work out??  Will I get bored halfway and quit??  Will I actually enjoy this and make it an everyday thing??  Leaving our comfort zone and actually doing something is hard,, but I’m starting to believe that not actually doing it even harder!! Well I look forward to this journey. Cheers!! Here’s to many more mistakes and even more triumphs!!

I believe that every sunrise and sunset we owe to our selves to actually live…not live according to our schedules but according to the randomness of life. Unforseen tragedies and celebrated achievements.

Emotional Dependence

Well, here is yet another ramble, another  attempt at making sense of life, yet another unsolicited opinion I am about to share, but first… How did we get here?

First off I have had a week and a half my days have been full stuck in the rat race to earn my pay and my nights cold and tortuous. I have been pulled at all sides by my heart and my mind, while my soul drains slowly but other than that I’m good!

However the beauty about being an adult is that you can shove all you’re dealing with in a box and be invested in meetings and hangouts and work, and make a skill out of compartmentalization! You can avoid it all in the hope that it goes away, you can also dive head first into substances or you can scroll mindlessly on your favourite app, or you can open your blog and pour your feelings out…😌

So today I came across a tweet

And I didn’t think too much of it until a few minutes ago. I sat by myself for a quick sec and wondered how I actually wanted my week to go, would I casually flow through it or would I actually do something about it and then realized that I could finally get a jolt of my thoughts down so gather around class it’s time for yet another one of Jay’s Insights.

ED is a b***h  and no I don’t mean that E.D even if it’s also a zinger, I mean emotional dependency, have you ever been addicted to a person? Hear me out

Have you ever craved somebody so much that it outshines, overshadows, outmatches everything else? Have you ever been so hooked, so far gone, that not talking to them, seeing them, hearing them, being with them, sends you into a frantic frenzy, it pushes you to the cliffs edge of psychotic lunacy, you can literally feel yourself just about itch for their presence in your life. Well if you have then you know what emotional dependency is and if you haven’t I pray that you never do, unless you’re fully ready for the withdrawal symptoms that come with it.

Emotional dependence is a psychological state that takes place in personal relationships, be it with a family member, a romantic partner or a friend. It affects many people, although many are not aware of it. Emotionally dependent people have a great lack of self-control and feel great discomfort when they are not near the person they are dependent on. They feel the insatiable need to be with that person and are unable to sever the ties that bind them.

When you’re committed to a person being emotionally dependent on them is the most rational thing to do, you bind yourself to their love and you grow intertwined to each other with your roots being the love that you share, simply put you become one. The problem with being one is when your differences whisper the obvious, you’re two of you! Don’t get me wrong emotional dependence has its perks, you are more in tune to the needs of those you love, you can literally and figuratively feel them, their pain becomes yours, their joy is common, their wins shared, their burdens mutual, their fears realer! Your days with said person are magical, they could change your outlook on a matter in an instant, they could get you riled up with a single word, your mere existence with them puts a spring in your step put simply you’re happy and not that spur of the moment kinda happy, no I mean that, “your house could be burning” but you’re okay kinda happy! Have you experienced that?

The downside to this is that when the person you’re dependent on withdraws or is unavailable, it’s an ugly, vile place to be in. It’s cold and dark, and your mind cooperates with your demons and they laugh at you preying at your insecurities, they snigger with remarks like “you thought you were special?” “For a second you thought you mattered”  you hurt truly.

But what is darkness without light? What is sunshine without rain? What is summer without winter? And what is love without pain?

True freedom I have learned from any dependence whatsoever, comes from realizing that choices are the hinges of destiny. When you make a choice to go through with some of the decisions you have made, you can’t be in the middle of it saying your goose is well and truly cooked! You rise to meet the sun everyday, hoping that dawn comes with a difference, praying that the night is not too long. You go get your fix and if you can’t, you shiver through the withdrawals or you say no more…!

For me, well, I’m always going to chase my high, after all what is life about without somebody to lean on?

Guess Who’s back?

Where to even start. Bro my hands are shaking, I can literally feel my brain wake up from a snooze, cartoonishly in my head, it’s officially been an year and 4 months since my last blog and lord what a year it’s been.

So… Not to be a click-bait blogger, in an era where I can easily key in a prompt into chat gpt and have it give me a near perfect “AI will be the end of us all” type blog. I’m going to take my time with this one. All I ask for is patience, time and understanding as I find my feet after being offshore for so long. I apologize for losing a part of me and shelving it for so long, it might be dead and gone, i come back like a jilted lover who has tasted the savoriness of kindness and the horridness of true love.

Will you still have me?

On the other hand I feel no remorse for the time taken away. It’s gifted me a perspective to life that could only come with age, detachment and absolution. I have experienced life in shades of colours, in waves of emotions and in the complexity of lessons. I keep growing and in the pursuit of happiness, in the mad rush for success, in the hazy delirium that is youth,

I have learned that there are no coincidences only consequences of actions taken.

26? What’s up with that!

Shaky hands, wheezing breath, doubts abound, fears impending, a glimpse back at what has been, a blind leap forward to what it’s meant to be, and flatteringly amazed at what it is and so as I count down to mere minutes to me turning an year older, I wonder, what does 26 hold in-store for me… With the past year that I’ve had I wonder could it get any better than that? But I dare ask why wouldn’t it? So take a seat back and roll clip please, because it’s been a hell of a ride thus far and you have to see it(rather read it) to believe it…

They say only fools look back at amazement, they say the bold only look forward in bewildering wonder, but its also said that man can only make his boldest steps forward if he traces back not with anticipation to stay in the past but to acknowledge when time fate and destiny have been kind. I’ve been known to whine and complain about how life is hard love a scam and death a predetermined contract arrangement, that none of us get a say in. Well not in those exact words but… You get the picture I have been a dark child, full of pain and misery and sadness and loneliness, but look where it got me, 26 years old and able to proudly say that sometimes life humbles you by showing you how wrong you can be and pride and cultured conditioned mentality only gets you so far.

So without planning to I realized I needed to step back, take a blogging sabbatical and really stop the backhanded grumbles and take a dip in the deep end. Wonder how it felt? It felt like a jump from the highest heights, a skydive if you will or, a Victoria waterfall plunge, my heart beating at the possibilities but my mind racing at the probabilities. I started by looking for a job, the love of my life can testify to this, I “tarmacked” for a whole three months. I went to the ends of my beloved capital city Nairobi, trying a hand at anything that could pay ‘imagined’ bills at the time as I was still living with my mom. In those three months I picked up a routine, I would wake up write endless countless job enquiry emails, (“please find enclosed…”) To which they would be swiftly responded to with, the we regret to inform you. It was disheartening, it was downright demoralizing. Ofcourse flickers of light would show up in my dark tunnel, but none would last long enough and a man can only be rejected only too many times before he breaks down and wonders what could he possibly could do to change his doomed fate, trying every feasible technique to loosen destiny’s grip on him all which turned out to be pointless like a fish learning to fly. And boy did I break down…

What kept me a float in a pouring torrent of dark thoughts and a drowning flood of maniacal fiendish solutions, was three things;

1) God – I honestly can’t take credit for any of it. Any of it! Remember how I was describing my blind leap, God caught me. He had been whispering this to me lovingly countless times, to let go and let him take control. I fought him, fam, I fought him hard! But he somehow always had (has) a forgiving nature that’s acclaimed of him, He has a loving tenderness that felt like landing on clouds when my logic failed and my faith stood I knew that my heavenly father was in charge and he wouldn’t let me down. Being a flawed,flawed, human I had moments of doubt but I was (I am) always filled with gratitude and (encamped in love)fiercely guarded spiritually….

By my two favorite women, my Queens if you will, my queen mother and queen regent, gentlemen I hope you’re taking notes. Lol. My ma taught me a life of faith, my love showed me a life of faith. Combined I had no reason not to believe whatsoever that everything would be okay.

If I could begin to explain how I got my current job IT would seem like something out of a well scripted show. If I could start explaining how in a short three months I was able to move out into my very own studio apartment, buy my first entertainment system, own a top of the line laptop that is part of my work equipment, be in a position to afford afew luxuries with my soulmate, treat my mom to a lunch date and chip in for our incredible Christmas holiday, it would seem like I would be bragging. But it’s real and it’s happened when It seemed like it wouldn’t, like it never could yet…?

So as I turn 26, I’m humbled by life. I’m going to end this rumble by saying this.

To the love of my life, Caroline Wanjiru, kk my boo-boo Blessed is you my love who saw a beautiful thing in a filthy mess where other people saw nothing. My past has been a drunk musing without you in it, my present has been a pleasant dream because of you, my future is brightest with you in it. I’m much more ‘me’ when I’m with you, Thinking of you keeps me awake. Dreaming of you keeps me asleep. Being with you keeps me alive.Despite the fear and uncertainty caused by a myriad of issues, I want you to know that I love you, I’m here, and I’m willing to see all of it through as long as you’re by my side Thank you for walking into my life and bringing color to my world which was once dark and gray. Some say that true love can last a lifetime, and I would love to spend the rest of my life with you figuring out if that were true. It feels like I had been a dusty candle, tucked away for years, until you walked in, all lit and glowing, that I was once again set aflame. You are everything that I never knew I wanted in this life. I love you my queen👸🏾.

To my mum, you are beautiful, softened at the edges and tempered with a spine of steel.  When I’m looking at you, I feel like I’m looking at the purest love i will ever know.Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face.To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. My mother’s happiness to me is like a beacon, lighting up the future but reflected also on the past in the guise of the fond memories. My mother is clothed with strength and dignity, laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks her words are wise and she gives instructions with kindness,I love you Ma.

And to me… We’ve learnt So much, we’ve grown so much and all I can wish for going forth is nothing more than what life throws at me, hands me or gifts me.

To my friends, my inner circle, you are my brothers and have held me down ( I would do the same for any one of you In a heartbeat, bet!) You guys are enough, thank you👊🏾! To my colleagues, my acquaintances, here’s to more wins, more lessons, more chances to grow and more opportunities to make money, saluth!

26, feels like the age where a lot of good things will happen, it is the age where my success will be seen, I speak it and believe it! So jay remember There’s no perfect sunshine without the rain, after all the challenges, I pray my 26th year will bring me to the perfect sunshine of my life. 

Close your eyes, make a wish and watch it become a reality. Happy Birthday, 26-year-old!

Relationships are hard, break ups are easy

Jay held the crow-black novel in his hand, he didn’t know what to feel, he thought of it as his biggest accomplishment ever. Yet, he felt nothing! He had always loved the smell of new books, that paperback musky newness, he particularly loved that almondy scent whenever the book grew older, as if touched by time as it sat on a shelf in a library somewhere, or in a personalized collection set aside and long forgotten. Forgotten he thought, that’s how he felt, he had been working on this for the past one year, aggregately giving a piece of himself to every word he wrote, consistently drowning in his creation then all of a sudden it was done!

He couldn’t tell what invoked the train of thought, hell he couldn’t tell the contents of the “must have masterpiece” as per the words of his editor. What he could tell was that he was hurt, he was wounded, he was broken, he was in pain and what better way would he work through all the emotions that seemed to constrict his thoughts, what better way could he pick himself up, than to integrate himself in his writing, to be absolved in a world where he could progressively find his sanity. The box of over a thousand copies, sat on the kitchen table, a hot cup of cocoa steamed in the cold early may morning, he rubbed his palms over the brew as he held it, every sip warming him. Cold and hot, in and out, love and loathe, peace and war. All concepts that he’d address in his literary admonition. A rede that was more of a cry for help from his personal hell, a hell he’d created all by himself, but taken to be the must have relationship guide, well if other people could find help, he argued why not as he turned the first page of his novel.

Dedicated to the love of my life Karla Mathaka without whom I’d never have known love.

Love hurts… But love you must!

Relationships are like a river. A quick paced, contortion filled river. Love begins as a simple brook, a quiet lovely trickle that has barely any swivel. The brook gradually builds into a stream of emotions, feelings that you could have sworn have no comparison. Everyday you see this person you feel like they have no equal, best, you believe they have no flaw, they are angels, they make your heart pump in harmonious rythym, they make your breath come short as you wonder what did you do to deserve them. They look at you, you look at them, and all you can do is sigh at the most divine sight, you huff a small prayer for your gift from heaven! The river now gaining pace, changes course, a few rocks in the flow of current means that the depth is different, the rocks significant of the problems, are washed over, and just like a literal river, some separate the flow, others sink down below, while tiny particles are carried by the tide of continuity. So inconsequential that they couldn’t stop the smoothness of the bellow.

The brook into a stream, the stream into a tributary. With time passed, the seasons change, the growth is eminent as the river roars in it’s flow. The once quiet brook has waves that smash and dash, the little rocks carried by the current now leave a deep gush. The tributary carries with it, logs that refuse to sink, anybody foolish enough to swim, is swept away in rage, the stillness of the stream is now heard from miles away as it continues on its way!

The magnitude of the flow could only mean one thing, the presence of a waterfall. Like with every waterfall, the speed of the river increases, the roar is louder, the waves meaner, the abyss deeper. Realizing the imminent fall, your eyes lock, you know what is coming, your heart beat that once accelerated from love now intensifies due to fear, your breath that came short owed to your angel, now is panicky at the sight of this barghest, you both try to swim against the current, driven by the terror of loss, to no accord. Your stream is dragging you down with it, a thought crosses your mind, you’re in too deep, you can’t beat this, you’re in over your head, so you stop trying, you let the waves sweep you, and then you begin your fall… Before you close your eyes and let go, before you stop caring at all, you catch a glimpse of them, those who once made you feel like nobody else, they look back at you, and just like in death, flashes of memories made, laughter shared, tears shed pass by, in a frantic attempt, you realize you can’t lose them, you try to swim across the current, call out to them, but you can’t, you’re drowning, your body is complaining, tired, heavy, you let it happen, the fall starts and as you feel the weight of gravity push you down, something hold on to you, opening your eyes you find them straining clutching on to a log that is breaking your fall, they look down at you, but they can’t really hold you, you can’t put that burden on them, you love them too much , so you struggle free, letting go of them. As you fall, you realize that everything is gone, but you feel a hand hold yours and looking across you realized that it’s more of a jump with them by your side rather than a fall and as the water comes at you you realized you’re not scared any more, instead you hold on to her hand tighter and…… splash! Then quiet, serene peaceful quiet… And the river that was flowing with so much hate and so much rage now returns to it’s initial state…

Jay wiped a tear from his eye. He now knew why he had written this. It was derived from his muse, it was inspired by her, Karla, the one person he knew was his. His love. The one human being who really made his heart beat. He looked across the table to where her wedding ring lay the words she’d spat out in hurt still rang in his head…

“I’m done jay… I’m done!” Karla said as tears rolled down her face

Jay under normal circumstances always went after her, he always found a way to reach out to her, but as she walked out of their cove of love, he stood still, frozen in place like a statue, this was his punishment, this was the hell he’d brought upon Himself, this was the hole of misery he’d dug and this was the pit he would never get out of. In his pajamas, he grabbed the car keys and ran out of the door, to do what he should have done, what he always did and went after her….

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The black white and grey of love.

They say that true love overcomes everything, they say that true love _is_ everything. True love is said to be the cure to a broken heart, it’s also said that it’s the way to broken trust. They whisper that love is a farce, they speak that it makes you Ill, they shout that true love is real. But how many of us are willing to put in the work, how many of us can say we are willing to give up our hearts, how many are willing to go the extra mile to make sure it lasts. Sure we crave affection, sure we seek attention, but we rarely ever find perfection. In the haze of finding a mate, we gauge, we fake, we say we will stay but somewhere along the lines of boredom, somewhere along the markings of freedom, we give up, we let go and we move on. This is the black the white and they grey of love.

I know I know I have fallen short of the jay you know and love. That writing panda who was dark, that boy who wrote out of hurt, that man who was in pain who relished every instance of ache, and of late I have written so much about love and that’s because I’m not ashamed to say I’m in love. I leaped and landed in too deep, I fought the urge and found myself giving in, she’s my muse. she broke down one wall and the rest crumbled from a crack, so forgive my new found my writing scheme, forgive the sickening blabbering of being love sick and because if we’re truly were being honest with ourselves, most of y’all feel a twinge of jealousy, no? A little envy? But that’s besides the point. What is the point really? Well here goes nothing…I have been known to have a big heart, maybe due to my size, maybe owed to heartbreak after heartbreak, maybe it’s an experience from knowing a world without love and so I endeavor to give the most I can! I believe I found myself from the love I received and still receive. My change was brought about by receiving what I needed to supercede what I was battling within. I had lost hope of ever finding something to live for, I had lost faith in people, I had caught my fish only to lose it and be told they’re alot of fish in the ocean! I was lost in a myriad of trying to fit in only to fit out, hidden my uniqueness with indifference, smiled through nothingness and made people laugh in emptiness. I desired to be seen, to be acknowledged, to be dignified, but I was accorded invisibility, I was unacknowledged and treated with Indignity. But I masked it, went about life hating on love and everybody who had it, I called it crap, I acquiesced to giving myself the love I deserved, selfishly unapologetically, but It wasn’t enough!

They say change is the law of life, change is unavoidable, change is scary but change is alluring! Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change! The black of love is that darkness that lack of light that comes from being alone, that aloneness that translates into loneliness and loneliness that grows into…that emptiness, devoid of anything that brings lustre which builds into a compelling gloominess, sure in our misery we live on, we fill that black hole with some many things yet, it keeps taking, we throw at it our friends, we throw at it our talents, we throw at it our work, oblivious to the fact that it has an insatiable hunger, with everything we throw it at, it only becomes, larger, hungrier, so we stop, and let it feed on us! With every waking day we lose a bit of ourselves until… Well until we’re no more.

That is until we are changed, contented, we realize that validation only comes from ourselves. You substantiate you! In the lack of strength we realize the extent of our own! In the bid to authenticate our needs, we find ourselves within. So you stop looking for love you pull yourself out of that rut, and that’s where love finds as at!
The white of love bright as the sun, dazzling as the stars, radiant as a full moon that breaks a stormy night. When we least expect it, when we are not looking for it, just like an emotional quicksand pit, when we stop struggling are we only able to get out. The white of love dawns on us, we feel livelier, we are happier, in it’s splendor we glow, in it’s brilliance we grow! So we give it our all, we promise our devotion to this thing, this emotion, this person that saved us, we swear our allegiance to faithfully committing to them, we work on ourselves, we chip off harmful habits that would make us lose them, we pick up those that would allure them, in the gleam of love we often give up ourselves, we strive not to go into that black zone we would do anything not to, so we compromise both in character and right, and we anticipate that it will be and they lived happily ever after. Only to realize that in the black and white one more color exists…

The ugly grey… The anxiety, the doubts, the insecurities, the uncertainty, the what ifs, the questions that arise from realizing that you let a stranger in. The ambiguity of vulnerability, the imperfections of prior highs of perfection, the arguments that beforehand we’re handled with affirmations of assurance to conform, broken promises that arise from expectations, expectations certainty that is creeped on by unbelief and growing impossibility! Passion that burned in the white of love now turned into tolerance!
Trust that was unquestionable now turned into suspicion. The laughs into grief, the anticipation into confusion, the excitement into boredom. In the grey we lose sight of what we have, in the grey we begin to encourage options, we look for opportunities to jump ship, to run, to dump. In the fleetingness of youth we abscond our love, In the adrenaline rush we flee, we break hearts, we rob minds of their self-esteem by wondering what it is that they did, ( or we did)

We stop talking, we start hiding, boundaries that were non existent now are drawn back on as lines crossed, walls that had been broken down are brought back up in defensive mechanisms with upgraded to make sure we never fall in to the trap of love, so ultimately we break up, we go our separate ways we say our goodbyes with cliche phrases of something changed, it’s not you it’s me, I need to find myself, I want to work on myself, our priorities are different and we can still be friends in the games we play people we loved with such unquestionable devotion are lost again in the black of love, clawing themselves out only with every heartbreak they lose themselves, and us we soon realize that we miss them so we call them, we get back together in a maddening toxic psychotic cycle that makes sure we have someone around for nothing else but for the sake of it, scared that we too will sink back into the black of love!

Rich regrets and poor pays!

A cold calm breeze swept across the lush green acres of the kimanis, a nightingale chirped somewhere above the numerous trees, a song rather than a croak, Eliza ‘elle’ thought to herself. Other than the pacifying dreamy comforting sounds, nothing else could be heard. A blissful silence settled upon the place making it only more relaxing. Only that it was a little bit too relaxing. The late twenties woman walked around with nothing but the two sounds, her thoughts and the silence for company. She wondered what would break the monotony, what would kill the boredom, what would end the bliss and ideally just spruce things up a little bit. In a absentminded roam she wondered whether the trade up was worth it or maybe just maybe she’d lost it all.
See Eliza Muthoni, aka Elle hadn’t always been rich, hell she wasn’t born middle-class even, she was from a humble background with lots of brothers and sisters, seven siblings to exact. Something that brought about a feel of survival for the fittest and endurance for the quickest, she was always arguing with somebody over food, that last slice of bread, or over space, sleeping in one bed with her three sisters. She always had to earn her place, she had dreams of grandeur, but secretly reminiscing she realized she loved every second of it. It was warm, it was snuggly, it was family. The affection was unmatched, the love was unequalled, the fights despite being multiple, this was where she had grown, this is where she belonged, this is where she was home!

Elle hadn’t been a bright kid, infact being female her mother always mentioned that the odds would always be stacked up against her. As if a curse had been uttered upon her, she was constantly finding herself working harder than anybody else. As if a looming imprecation had been proclaimed on her , she perpetually ended up with her hand short. Short of genius, short of talent, short of opportunities but something she had in plenty was her beauty! She had glistening brown eyes, big but not too big, eyes that most men averted their gaze, she had a small nose, small lips that always broke into the most enchanting smile you’d ever seen, her face was convincing, as it always seemed to draw people in, with most underestimating what she capable of doing, a head that held more hair than most people dreamt of having she had an average looking body, averagely deceiving as she was full in all the right places, a sway of the hips that did both men and women in, a majestic walk that unless watched carefully seemed like a glide, a graceful pose that could have persuaded anybody that she was rich! She had a swagger that meant most times often than not she fit in. As soon as she hit fifteen and the cat calls started coming in she realized that contrary to her childish belief she had a gift. A gift that would open doors brains wouldn’t, a gift that would make sure she would be well to do she only needed master it, hone it and perfect it and the world, the world would be her oyster, and all the money within would be her personal pearls to play with!

Still walking around her dream, both figuratively and literally. She was making her way past the orange orchard. She had always found the midway between red and yellow to soothe her when everything else seemed depressing it was no wonder it was her favorite color! Her long fingertips brushed the leaves ever so gently. “the orders for the fruits had come in and that meant a cheque was due for cashing in.” She thought to herself. A hired farmboy was humming to a tune while tendering to them. His hands ever so cautious but crafty. She paused watching him without him noticing, probably feeling he was being watched he turned suddenly, causing the lady of the house to blush, as she’d been caught, but instead of rushing, she walked away with a nod and that glide that was her norm. She noticed a rotten fruit, on the ground a worm was having it fill, funny how life always perceived to have a fix for everything. A sunken feeling overtook her as she remembered like that fruit the decay that had grown within her. By the time Elle was twenty three she had procured three abortions, and ‘helped’ some teens get rid of the unspoken thing. She had had so many sexual escapades that she had it found hard to keep up with! With every death, every tragic ending she had lost a bit of herself. Something always broke, and a scream inside boiled closer to the brim. She shrugged the thought as she always did, and probably for the first time hurriedly walked away from the scene. She had reached the Olympic pool beside the mansion by now and nostalgia knocked out the air from her lungs here’s where her sixty old husband had been found, a very bleak stain could still be seen. This is where the antagonist Mr kimani had been found, single bullet to his chest, dead.

Elle now wondering whether she was psychotic, had a wicked smile plastered on her face, a devious gleam in her eyes, of all the rich regrets and poor pays… This wasn’t one of them… sending that bastard to his grave.

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In love there’s lust, In passion fire burns…

High Highs and Low lows…

A zing, a spark, a stare, a laugh, all subtle touches of love. A lonely heart turns into epitome of interaction, a cold soul, melted with the simplest of actions. A doubtful spirit that wonders aloud,  so easily calmed down, a pragmatic mind now spontaneous, that’s what the highs of love do to you!

Jay loved the opening to his latest work. He was all alone, just him and his taunting thoughts, him and his struggling art form.  With Carla at work, and so much time on his hands, he argued, hmm why not? He of all people should have known better writing was a discipline (something he hadn’t been doing) and not just a free flowing gushing of feelings, (something that hadn’t been happening). He stood up and thought to himself maybe a snack would help his creative juices, jumpstart his frail failing mind, walking into the kitchen, he stuck a spoon into the peanut butter jar and could feel his tongue senses tingle delightfully with a twinge of pain. He had read somewhere that peanuts worked as an aphrodisiac. This was his problem anytime he got down to writing he would always wander, digressing into worlds untold for reasons unknown. Spoon still in mouth savoring the nutty chewy taste, flashbacks of the past few weeks washed over him, each manipulated contortion of processing, only pulling him further from reality and into delirious delirium.

Carla and jay had been trying for a baby, well of late it seemed like they were doing their own thing waiting for the fruit of their love to surprise them. Rather than put in the effort they swam in a sea of explosive love making hoping that alas, it would ideally end in child making. Unspoken but known between them, they loved it. Their relationship, their marriage had suffered blow after blow, of self sabotaging tendencies and trust breaking instances that this… This was a welcome Intermission! Jay lost in thought could feel his loins tingling, blood rushing, goosebumps popping, his face sheepish, his eyes glazed unblinkingly, far off replaying what had been happening.

Carla back at work couldn’t wait to get back home to him. She sat at her desk, seemingly busy. She was a pro at giving the impression that she was doing the most while honestly doing nothing at all. Not to be confused as lazy, she was the most hardworking lady, but when her mind was on that oxytocin high, nothing could get her down. her mind too was lost in thought. She thought she heard somebody call out her name, only to shove it aside, only for the caller to call louder!
“Ms Carla” MS CARLA! Almost blushing face hot burning a bright red, she found her assistant and best friend, jasmine at the door to her office.
” Everybody’s heading out for lunch, are.you joining?” She asked
” No, I’m not hungry” she responded
” You do really need to get some food in you, or atleast a fruit!” She insisted
” Yeah a fruit will do” shes responded absentmindedly
” What can I get you, an apple? An orange?  melon,? A banana?”
Her face lit up deviously and a smile broker her face, a smile that turned into a girlish giggle and then into a fill throttle laugh…
Jasmine lost, innocently looking back at her, wondered what she’d said that was so funny.
Carla realizing how weird she must have seemed, let out a cough as she stilled her laugh…
“Yeah, a banana will do”

Jay had by this moment sat back at his writing chair, typing away like a maniac. He knew exactly what he was going to jolt about. But his mind every insignificant passing second would get lost again to a spot they’d made love in. He would rub his temples and and continue the raspy  tapping only to stop again. Like take for instance, he remembered how a play-fight had turned into a psychotic explosion of love making on his writing desk. He loved how she writhed and turned as his kisses traced their way all over her body. She loved how his tongue was wet an dry at the same time, working it’s way from her mouth to her neck, to the fondles of her bossom, ever so barely touching the over sensitive tips, to her stomach and inner thighs. She loved how he could be slow and gentle and hard and rough like the next minute he was dying. He loved that after all this time she was oh so desirable, she loved that after all this time, he made her feel impeccable!

Carla was going insane, her legs were crossed under her desk as she undid the banana skin. Her hand wrapped around the full girth of the fruit, her eyes already dilated, her breath coming in shortness, her tongue licked her lips, she could feel her body responding to fruit?! She put her mouth around the top of the banana and sucked before giving it a soft nibble a moan escaping her mouth. Her body was perspiring, a little sweat forming at the brow, her knees quacking a little in a rhythm that made her feel crazy sensations between her legs. With each bite the taste blew in her mouth threatening to end her, her eyes closed she pictured jay he loved when she teased, In his fullness, his tongue, his eyes, his whispering breath, his lips and what she did next almost guaranteed to be a first in her books as she picked her things and at three pm in the afternoon left the office half running half walking. Leaving behind a half eaten banana on her office desk and a puzzled assistant wondering what emergency had her out in an almost crazed state!

Jay was home afew paragraphs in, proud of himself at how far he had reached. ” Focus jay, focus!” He had repeated a few times it almost now felt like a mantra! This too wasn’t working, he almost let out a squeal as he felt her warm carven encompass him. That little squeeze she gave him that made him almost drool, as he eased his way feeling moist and her eyes and breath halting for a minute as he fit perfectly. Slowly finding his  way her legs holding him in. Gently easing out of her letting her breath go as he went in again almost collapsing at the pleasure, but… Picking up pace, her legs now trembling, her moans inciting, her face oh so beautiful, never stopping to impress him at how at this state she always seemed most perversely appealing! How he loved owning her, how she loved owning him. How they boy realized that it was at this moment that they truly were one. That how even when the arguments ensued, even when they felt separated by their different world views, they both knew that in truth, they belonged to each other. Moments later drained and smiles plastered on their faces they would still their heartbeats looking at each other and knowing they were engraved in their souls forever. A seemingly invincible destiny fated string would always tied them to each other. Their love… Their love was written in the stars, known by the moon and shone on by the sun!

She loved how he quietened her insecurities, how with him she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen she’d brag and say ever known. She loved how he loved every last bit of her even the parts she didn’t! She loved how he satisfied her curiosities always knowing the right thing to say, making love to her with his words as much as he did with his body. She loved how he craved her, never seemingly having enough, how he made her toes curl, her mind churn, how her stomach bubbled and her mouth brimmed with laughter, she loved how they made love but also how how they laughed, how in love there was lust a burning insatiable lust but in passion there was fire. A blazing unquenchable fire,. She loved how his touch lingered on her, his fingers knowing where to touch, how he showed her respect but also how he made her almost lose her dignity. How she freely gave herself to him and him to her

He loved how she shut his demons up. How he made her feel like a man. How she satisfied him and indulged him in his whims. He loved how he could be vulnerable in him. How even when he barely knew what he was doing she always cheered him on. How she knew what he wanted. How sexy she came of by taking charge when need be, how she owned her being a woman and was never apologetic! He loved how she played with his mind! How she respected and adored him. She adorned him with praise even when he felt like he hadn’t done enough. How she motivated him to work harder, never making him insignificant. He loved how she rubbed herself against him, how the simplest brushes sparked electric desire, how he never had enough of her. How she toyed with the ideas of making love only to surprise him when she gave in and blew his mind, draining him of each last drop. How when she was weak he was strong and when he was weak she was strong.

In their love making they worked each other out! They both knew what made each other tick, they understood each other’s kinks, they indulged each other in their fantasies. They were responsible for each other’s satisfaction and made sure to only raise he bar high, together! Each moment crazier, each a flashback each another memory made! Each only making the other hungrier.

Jay was drawn from his thoughts by the front door loudly closing, barely having the time to turn around and catch his breath, Carla’s face was planted In his, no words spoken but her kiss told him everything… In his mind all he could think, I missed you too!

On your marks, get set, defend!

Ah! Finally my happy place. A place to get away, a place to be okay, a place to meditate, a place I can call my own, a place to let out the pain, to forget the hurt and still my beating heart. Finally, hard as it may I can get down to scribbling my draining thoughts, quieten my tormenting mind, escape the darkness that draws me in, reminding me of the beauty within, that alluring familiar beauty of not caring, the arrogance calls to me, assuring as it’s always been that blissful arrogance that tells you not to worry about a thing. But having tasted the peace of the light, having basked in the glory of tranquility, having showered in the calming rain of serenity, I pull myself forth, I drag my chain further from the emptiness I’ve known before.

Have you ever been in an argument with someone you hold so dear. You shout, yell, you whisper, but nothing seems to be getting through? You want to screw open their heads to get your pint across. As they talk, an itch within you wants them to stop. You want to be respectful, you want to be cordial, but as the argument ensures you feel your itch grow into an anger, the anger boils within you first as a trickle by the time they are done it’s grown into a brewing storm! Have you had an argument so bad that all you feel is attacked, you forget your manners and say things you shouldn’t have? You say what you must and not what you need to, you speak to hurt, you speak to cross, your words are dripping with spite, your look condensing, your pose patronizing and your laugh sarcastic. The argument which started off calm, a simple conversation now feels like a battle, a war that rages on with neither side willing to back down, nobody willing to compromise, none willing to back out!

The argument could be over nothing really, or it could be about something big. It could be as stupid as leaving a cup behind or it could bear claims of cheating. As you argue you realize you can’t wait for them to finish, your ears are ringing, you can’t hear anything, your mind is racing, devising crafting means of your next attack, you don’t care about casualties, fatalities, burnt bridges or any of that. All you care about in the heat of the moment is to strike a blow that will end it all.

Relationships can be crazy, they can be maddening, they can be demented, it’s insane to think that a person you think of as perfect, a person you consider to be your heaven could draw so much emotion from you, a person who you never thought of as eccentric would make you feel deranged. It’s funny because when we smile we laugh, we forget that when we love we hurt, in flight in that split second we don’t consider that when we jump we fall. We have been brainwashed into thinking by binge worthy movies and lovestruck celebrities that roses and romanticism are all there’s to relationships! It’s a lie and a big one at that, We haven’t been told that the most successful human connections are built on sincerity, they are etched in vulnerability, they are grounded in compromise and held up on the basic foundation of love, the bricks to some of the most admirable relationships are things like unchanging respect, unrefutable desire, unwavering understanding, unassuming forgiveness, undoubted commitment, and most importantly, communication!

Communication is described as the concept or state of exchanging data or information between entities. However communication is not only an exchange of opinions (data) or persuasions (information) it’s also a connection, an association, an affiliation get this… A relation! Communication is not an argument, it’s a sharing of belief, it’s a passage of sentiment, it’s means of revealing yourself. It’s not just a messy means to impose your view on things or throat gobble your conviction, it’s a feeling of understanding!

Sadly human beings myself included when our opinion, our view on things is threatened, the most reasonable way to us at the time is to defend ourselves! Defensive mechanisms are ingrained on us from a very young age, owed to a myriad of things. Stuff like strict upbringing, harsh childhood traumas, bullying, loneliness, introspection, self-esteem, ego! Defense mechanisms are behaviors people use to separate themselves from unpleasant events, actions, or thoughts. These psychological strategies may help people put distance between themselves and threats or unwanted feelings, such as guilt or shame.

The idea of defense mechanisms comes from psychoanalytic theory, a psychological perspective of personality that sees personality as the interaction between three components: id, ego, and super ego.First proposed by Sigmund Freud, this theory has evolved over time and contends that behaviors, like defense mechanisms, are not under a person’s conscious control. In fact, most people do them without realizing the strategy they’re using. Defense mechanisms are a normal, natural part of psychological development. Defense mechanism are not all bad, some help us to cope with human interaction, but some destroy that by absolute avoidance!

Some of the defense mechanisms are denial, repression, projection, displacement, regression, rationalization reaction formation, sublimation, compartmentalization, intellectualization!

Denial– Denial is one of the most common defense mechanisms. It occurs when you refuse to accept reality or facts. You block external events or circumstances from your mind so that you don’t have to deal with the emotional impact. In other words, you avoid the painful feelings or events.
This defense mechanism is one of the most widely known, too. The phrase, “They’re in denial” is commonly understood to mean a person is avoiding reality despite what may be obvious to people around them.
Repression -Unsavory thoughts, painful memories, or irrational beliefs can upset you. Instead of facing them, you may unconsciously choose to hide them in hopes of forgetting about them entirely.
That does not mean, however, that the memories disappear entirely. They may influence behaviors, and they may impact future relationships. You just may not realize the impact this defense mechanism is having.
Projection– Some thoughts or feelings you have about another person may make you uncomfortable. If you project those feelings, you’re misattributing them to the other person.For example, you may dislike somebody but instead of accepting that, you choose to tell yourself that they dislike you. You see in their actions the things you wish you could do or say.
Displacement– You direct strong emotions and frustrations toward a person or object that doesn’t feel threatening. This allows you to satisfy an impulse to react, but you don’t risk significant consequences. A good example of this defense mechanism is getting angry at your child or spouse because you had a bad day at work.Neither of these people is the target of your strong emotions, but reacting to them is likely less problematic than reacting to your boss.
Regression -Some people who feel threatened or anxious may unconsciously “escape” to an earlier stage of development.This type of defense mechanism is most obvious in young children. If they experience trauma or loss, they may suddenly act as if they’re younger again. They may even begin wetting the bed or sucking their thumb.
Adults can regress, too. Adults who are struggling to cope with events or behaviors may return to sleeping with a cherished stuffed animal, overeat foods they find comforting, or begin chain smoking or chewing on pencils or pens. They may also avoid everyday activities because they feel overwhelming.
Rationalization -Some people may attempt to explain undesirable behaviors with their own set of “facts.” This allows you to feel comfortable with the choice you made, even if you know on another level it’s not right. For example, people who might be angry at their partners for not completing a task on time could be ignoring the fact that they’re typically occupied with other things too.
Reaction formation-People who use this defense mechanism recognize how they feel, but they choose to behave in the opposite manner of their instincts.
A person who reacts this way, for example, may feel they should not express negative emotions, such as anger or frustration. They choose to instead react in an overly positive way.
Sublimation -This type of defense mechanism is considered a positive strategy. That’s because people who rely on it choose to redirect strong emotions or feelings into an object or activity that is appropriate and safe. For example, instead of lashing out at your partner you choose like me (at times) to channel your frustration into writing you could workout, take a fuming walk or play a game. You could also funnel or redirect the feelings into music, art, or sports.
Compartmentalization-Separating your life into independent sectors may feel like a way to protect many elements of it. Men we’re guilty of this! For example, when you choose to not discuss personal life issues at work, you block off, or compartmentalize, that element of your life. This allows you to carry on without facing the anxieties or challenges while you’re in that setting or mindset. intellectualization -When you’re hit with a trying situation, you may choose to remove all emotion from your responses and instead focus on quantitative facts. You may see this strategy in use when a person who doesn’t get a job ( personal experience) choose to spend their days creating spreadsheets of job opportunities! and leads.

The best way to avoid feeling unheard or like your opinion doesn’t really matter when conversion, or arguing is to quickly recognize the root cause of this emotions of anger and contempt. Proceed to process this emotions don’t shove them down, or like a cancer they will fester and kill you from the inside out, don’t let them explode because as effective as a bomb is it leaves death and demise in it’s wake! Be slow to speak and quick to listen, discern the emotion emitted from the receiving end of your communication! Empathize and be kind, find accountability for your actions by taking responsibility for what you did wrong. Sadly you might not feel like you did anything that warrants apologizing but a simple sincere sorry could go a long way to stopping things from blowing out of proportion!learn how to best cope with your feelings by asking to talk about things instead of kicking the door off the hinges, of uttermost necessity is to remember this is not an enemy and attack is not the best remedy, neither is defense but truce and compromise is the best way for it all to end!

True love cannot be found where it doesn’t exist nor can it be denied where it does!
True love doesn’t just happen it’s an ever growing journey an unending process. It develops after you’ve gone through many ups and downs when you’ve suffered together grown together, cried together and laughed together!True love is selfless and always ready to sacrifice.True love is not a strong fiery impetuous passion, instead it’s calm and deep, looking beyond mere externals and is attracted by qualities alone it’s wise and at the same time discriminating and it’s devotion is real and abiding!

God’s masterpiece a woman!

In the wake of yet another international women’s day passed, marked and celebrated, a day or two after the most horrific sickening attack on a woman it’s only fair that my return to writing be dedicated to the chef dœuvre the creme de la creme of all creation, the most magnificent being of all creatures, both big and small, the stunningly awe-inspiring woman. God’s masterpiece! God’s skillful masterwork! God’s incredible workmanship, so articulately crafted that it was brought into being so much later. Flawless, upgraded, ingenious and all round brilliant! Love, light and joy to you, I pray that you are well, I know I’m, busy as I have been, I hope that this piece does Justice to my kind of women, actually to all the women. We see you, we appreciate you, we value you and we adore you. So allow me on behalf of the male species that feels the same way to show you, to remind you, just how much, of a big deal you are!

It’s in my very valid opinion, an opinion that has been engraved in my core beliefs by the woman who raised me, that every female deserves to be accorded respect, be treated in love, upheld with revering care, assented the relevant attention and be granted a hint of indulgence! Because believe me if only we really saw how much they deal with, we would understand in truth that they all honesty that they deserve every last bit of it! I have been brought up by one of the strongest women I know, my mum has gone over and beyond to make sure that I had the best life she could offer. I have never seen her cry in public or quake under the breaking force of pressure. She has held me up when she was crumbling, dealt with my ramblings even when it was nothing really troubling! She has modeled for me the closest thing to perfection and what I need in a woman, she has proven time and again the old saying which has been overused and now considered a cliché; a trite maxim that if you want something said ask a man, if you want everything done ask a woman!

My stake at the claim that women are God’s masterpiece will offend very many weak men. It will rub many strong men the wrong way, it will put me in a spot of ridicule and contempt for having the audacity to even think it, but I stand by it in full light of my findings. Cosset my intrigue in this species as I try my best to get it over and done with, or atleast try!

W-oman, Queen, princess, girl, lady, ma’am, described simply as the complete parallel to man. Is more than she is. She Is not weak, she has her moments of doubt but doesn’t let that stand in her way, she may fall and stumble but she’ll get up and try again. She’s often considered inferior, small, not worth a second glance but she uses the fact that she’s often overlooked and undermined to her advantage, making sure she’s seen and heard despite her affliction. She ensures that she Wins even when everybody bets on her loosing, she’s warm even when everything incites her not to be, she is wise in her decisions and deliberations, she will give you sincere counsel, give you advice that you’ll mis-regard only to admit later on to your foolish misdeeds, she is worthy of everything nice, everything she sets her mind on, she’s honourable of dignity, she’s deserving of opportunities, of protection from beasts that call themselves men, deserving of esteem, befitting of an elevation of mind and character! She’s witty as she’s clever, possessing a strong intellect and a high intellectual capacity that man can only endeavor to have, she’s skilful making sure that everything she touches is left with her indelible mark, she’s ingenious and her brilliance is shown in everything she contrived. She’s deliberate and very rarely spontaneous ( and when she is she’ll baffle you) In her grace she doesn’t force things, in her ways she makes it seem unrealistically easy! She’s amusing when she wants to be and fiendish when you offend her hence hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned!? She’s sharp in her decisiveness, shrewd in her criticality, keen in her musings, she’s a wellspring of abundance, she’s effortless in her wholehearted unconditional commitment (when a woman loves… She loves for real) she works on and uplifts your will, looking into her eyes she’s make you feel weightless, she’s wholesome, wonderful and world-class she’s a queen!

Oh! Woman, where would we be without you. The woman is observant she’s intuitive in what she sees, knowing what you need even when you dont, she’s objective even when she’s subjective she’ll conclude with rationale, she’s obliging often allowing what needs to happen, happen, she’s open handed not closed or selfish, she’ll offer what she can and try to break the limits to make sure she satisfies, she’s open minded to a new way of doing things, it excites her to break routine while still sticking to it, she’s adventurous while still being reserved, she’s optimal the best, most favourable and desirable, especially under all the restriction she suffers. She original in her self and an originator in most things she embarks on! she’s outstanding, distinguished by her amazing nature, impressive tendencies and her awesome abhorrence of mediocrity, she’s an oasis of solutions, oozing oomph stamina and determination, she often optimistic even when the situation doesn’t seem like it, seeing potential when nobody else sees it, she always organized in her train of thought, the way she handles herself, she oriented in her goals outdoes what most people (men) do outperforms her competition to make sure she’s accorded the recognition she deserves, she’s outspoken in whatever bugs her or she sees is wrong, she out thinks most people having more than one idea to solving problems, she’s overactive even when her body cries for her to stop, she’s overflowing with kindness and support she’s overpowering with her charm and her delightful nature, she very many a times over brimming with confidence even when she doesn’t have it, and she owns her craft, and owns up when she’s messed up!

M– mommy, mama, mom, m’lady, missus, Ms, Mrs, madam she’s maternal in her instincts looking out always for those she loves she’s magical as she’s enchanting if you’re not cautious she’ll have you under her bewildering spell captured by her alluring beauty, baited by her breathtaking intelligence, she grand in the way she carries herself, elegant in the way he presents herself, she’s often splendid in appearance (except when she’s not) she’s magnificent exceptionally magnetic she’ll draw you in with the simplest of ways being her uniqueness, like the diversity of fingerprints she’s majestic she’s royal her grandeur means she knows who she is without having to be egocentric or blatant about it, she’s marvelous always exciting wonder or surprise in astonishing fashion she’s wonderfully delightful. She’s mature in her demeanor, she has no time for games and hates to be made a fool of, she’s mannerly according herself such vavavoom that you’ll notice when she walks into the room she’s meaningful with what she says and backs it up to with actions, following it up with confirmation, she’s mellow not coarse, rough, or harsh; she’s subdued when need be, soft and delicate like an intriguing flower, she’s memorable crossing your thoughts every few seconds by what she did or what she does and what she continues to do, she merciful often forgiving even the craziest of transgressions, mellifluous Sweet like honey smooth and musical like angels singing pleasant to hear and listen to when she wants to be! meliorate meaning she’ll strive to make better whatever she’ll work to improve and try constantly to solve a problem offering some compromises in an effort to sort the disagreement! She deserves a medallion for everything she does as she’s meritable, she’s a mentor, she’s mesmerizing, meticulous,mindful mighty, mind-blowing, mitigative, she’s a moneymaker a role model, modern and modest monumental motherly, motivating, multitasking,mystical, munificent! She’s a masterpiece

Ah the woman! She’s Admirable , she’s abounding in so many pleasant characteristics, she’s adorable, she’s amazing she’s angelic, she’s altruistic Regardful of others beneficent and unselfish, aglow radiant and beautiful, she’s attentive, accrue and accurate an ace in what she sets her mind to adept with an overflow of knowledge and know how affable receiving others kindly and conversing with them in a free and friendly manner she’s courteous, sociable and approachable she’s alert to everyone’s needs neglecting her own she’s Accommodative of those she wants to be even the worst, shes affectionate loving ad taming demons ameliorate authentic in her being adaptable to situations arising, accessible, absorbing with every word she speaks, she amiable settling to solve others issues instead of her own in short she’s awesome!

Now do you believe that a woman is God masterpiece? No? Not yet? Neat, noble, necessary, needed Non-belligerent nourishing, nurturing noticable

So this is dedicated to my kind of women, my muse, my inspirations, my nurtures, my friends and every last one of you who is a work of art

In a male-dominated world women should never Apologize For Being Sensitive Or Emotional. Let This Be A Sign That You’ve Got A Big Heart And Aren’t Afraid To Let Others See It. Showing Your Emotions Is A Sign Of Strength. Be a Girl with a mind, a Woman with attitude, and a Lady with class! The Woman Who Does Not Required Validation From Anyone Is The Most Feared Individual On The Planet.You’re Allowed To Scream, You’re Allowed To Cry, But Do Not Give Up. You Attract What You Are, Not What You Want If You Want Great, Then Be Great. Being Deeply Loved Gives You Strength; Loving Deeply Gives You Courage. Smile And Let Everyone Know That Today, You’re A Lot Stronger Than You Were.

May your Heart Be Brave, your Mind Fierce, And your Spirit Free. You got this!

The social misfit!

Look and see, search and find, hope and wait, trust and believe, love and commit, pain and heal!

It’s been two weeks of nothing and everything, it’s been two weeks of rushing and fulfilling, it’s been two weeks without writing and for sure I didn’t see the time flying past me. The worst thing about being a writer and I’ve probably mentioned this, is the fact that the art demands zero procrastination and full throttle determination. I was supposed to journal this blog sometimes last week but so many things came up that were, honestly a welcome excuse, but nonetheless, no matter, here we are now and even though I feel the wear and tear dragging me along, I hope to make sense of the gibberish of a cluttered mind! It’s been two weeks of sticking to a routine I never knew had become one, it’s been two weeks of doing so much yet feeling like I was doing too little, it’s been a fortnight of learning from misfortunes and running towards perfectionism. In truth, if I documented what I have been upto you’d wonder what it is I’m going on about, so bear with me, the creative, who hasn’t done too much creating, but has been striving to achieve a degree of excellence, well in this life or the next!

This particular entry has been incited by a concoction of experiences and convicting interactions. It’s been exhorted on me by a stimulating influence upon my intellect, tugging at my emotions and triggering my creativity and has been derived from an amazing TV series I just finished watching which Is definitely worth a mention, the way we see it. The show follows three twenty five year olds who are all autistic, trying to fit into a world that demands they have a semblance of normalcy, a call that is far removed from the fact that they can never be! The three characters namely Jack who is intellectually autistic, Violet ‘vi’ who is a sharp contrast to jack, and Harrison who is emotionally and socially autistic. I stand to be corrected if I have gotten any of it wrong but that’s just how ‘I saw it’ and is the interpretation imposed on me from my unique predisposition!

Jack is extremely intelligent and has no time for any slow living despite having a condition that to most people who he comes along think of him as so. Violet is extremely slow despite wanting to be and live faster. Harrison is lost in a world that he doesn’t understand. The three live in an apartment rented for them by their parents and guardians under the care of a physical and psychological aid sharing in helping them overcome their respective sad back stories. Jack’s father has cancer and is afraid of dying and living behind a child that can’t take care of himself, violet is an orphan who has an overprotective brother, Harrison is mortally obese and has a family that loves his younger normler sister more than they do him. See the three resonated with me because first not only are they my age mates but they have stories that have touched aspects of my life! Second it inspired me to wander in thought, as to what is the big deal with wanting to fit in, what is this insatiable human crave for a need to be normal, what is the urge in everybody to be a certain way and beyond that considered aberrant, bizarre or in simpler terms, abnormal? Third it motivated me to see through an interest I have had for three years now but have put off in pursuit of other things, it has helped me see the sense in filling the need of having a space for social misfits, hence finally birthing a podcast with the same name!

Inspire: the word comes from latin “ispiratio” meaning “in spirit”or invoked by God. Motivate: the word comes from latin”motere” meaning “to move”

The two words have been so misused and thrown about, that the meaning is lost to us in a bid to find ourselves. In all honesty I won’t claim to know better as I’m also guilty as charged with not knowing any better! We are so consumed with doing more, getting better, attaining the best that we don’t really give credit to ourselves. Which ultimately leaves us depressed! We are so devoured by the need not to be deviant of societal standards that in our conformation to said principles of conduct shaped by traditional morality, decency, and honor we lose ourselves! In a rush to an attainment of independence we find ourselves not free from what we were running from but hooked to the same thing only in a new form. Consider this, you’ve probably thought of it you are born, you go to school, you get a job, you get a family, you avoid sickness and poverty, you join a religion or don’t, then what’s left to life other than death? Where is the living part? Where is the opportunity to break from this preset way of doing things, what chance do you have at any form of rebellion against the system? There’s none whatsoever! If you do, you either die young, go to jail, are shunned or considered a failure! Why? because, you set yourself apart!

Have you ever been looked at funny? People stare alot at you, have you ever been laughed at because of an idea you had, have you ever heard gossip saturated about you? Have you ever felt like you’re hated, you don’t know what you did, but people just don’t like you? You are too strong willed, too idealistic, too principled, you hold yourself in too high a regard, whatever you believe in is hullabaloo or is simply unattainable! Your thoughts don’t align to practicality, you’re too much of a visionary, too much of a dreamer, instead you should be more realistic they’ve said, facts are facts and anything beyond that is incongruous! You maybe have been called a freak, a weirdo, a nerd, eccentric, well you my friend have nothing wrong with you, you’re one of a kind, your distinctiveness is beautiful, your unicity is alluring and your uniquity not an iniquity, it all just means you’re a social misfit and that, that is incredibly extraordinary!